Don’t Quit.

Don’t Quit 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Life Lesson.

Moral of this story: Trust your instincts and not your heart. Opening your heart up is just asking for someone to stomp all over it.

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say ice.

From what I’ve tasted of desire

I hold with those who favour fire.

But if I had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction of ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry that I could not travel both.

And be one traveller, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had todden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

And that has made all the difference.

The State of Me

Well, it’s been a pretty busy weekend. Friday night I went out with my friend Charlene. We had dinner at Kelsey’s and we went to see a movie. Saturday morning, I was up bright and early and back at the movie theatre to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I loved the TMNT when I was growing up so I couldn’t resist the opportunity to see them again on the big screen.

Saturday was spent doing a whole lot of nothing. Saturday night, I went to see The Dark Knight Rises with my friend Dave. For any of my friends that are reading this, you may have been told the story. For those who haven’t been told the story, here is the long (short) version of it.

Dave and I have been friends since grade 6 (age 11). He is the one person that I know has my back whenever I may need it, just as I always have his. We have a pretty solid friendship. And I’ve always had a crush on Dave.

What makes this complicated is that the feelings were mutual and neither of us (especially me) spoke up about it. Not when it was too late and he was in a serious and committed relationship with someone else. I’ve tried to push all of my feelings into a box and I had done well in doing so and tried to move past it. Years and years go by, and I still have that same crush. It hasn’t hindered our friendship and it never will. I can’t help but think that he is the one that got away for me. At least I still have him as a friend. I value his friendship.

Dave is going through some issues at the moment with his significant other and I’m angry at her for putting Dave through this. Dave is a good guy and he doesn’t deserve to be treated the way that he is. I wish I could do more to help him. He didn’t ask for any of this to happen yet he’s the one taking the brunt of her quarter-life crisis. She doesn’t value him and she certainly doesn’t know what she’s giving up…..or potentially could be giving up. I just wish I could make this easier on him. He’s to good of a guy to have to go through what he is.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fate lately. It’s been said that it works in mysterious ways. What if fate is playing it’s hand in righting a wrong? What if the issues that are happening are for a reason? I don’t know.

Any ways, that’s all for now. True Blood is coming on soon and I want to watch that before heading to bed. I also have some tags that I have to catch up on in some of my RPGs but I think those might have to wait until tomorrow. No brain power to do them tonight.

Tales of the Old Boss

(I’m slowly going through my LJ and wanting to put some posts from there on here. Not all of them because I’ve had that journal since 2003 and I’m not THAT ambitious. Just some of them.)

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First of all, this entry is protected on my “Super Locked Down” filter. Only a handful of my friends can see this post. So if you can see this, it means I trust you :-).

So I’ve posted here so many times about my ex-boss (who is going to be referred to as Mr. X in this post). I’m pretty sure I’ve also posted about how I have a new job, which I’m absolutely loving.

Some History

I was working at my old office for just under 7 years.

A few years ago, Mr. X’s old clerk received a job offer and told him that she quitting as she received a new job offer. Mr. X bullied her into telling him where she was going and then made her life so difficult at the office, that she basically had to walk out that day. Mr. X also then wrote to her new office and told her soon-to-be-new-boss that if she hired Sarah, he would take the matter up with the Judge as we had two common files with the office that Sarah was going to. At first, the new office refused to bend to his pressure but in the end, they reneged on their job offer to Sarah because it was easier to not have her in her in the office than to deal with Mr. X’s wrath. I think this is ridiculous because in any law office, every employee is under a STRICT code of confidentiality. No good lawyer would want a Law Clerk in their office that would willingly blab the details about a file that does not belong to the office. It’s not professional.

Anyways, when I left my old office, I knew that I couldn’t tell Mr. X the real reason why I was leaving. I was afraid that he would sabotage my new job offer and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I’ve been so unhappy at my old job for such a long time that this new job was my golden ticket out. I’ve spent the better part of two years feeling bullied and belittled. The very thought of going to work made me feel physically sick to my stomach and anxious and I fully contribute a large part of my insomnia, depression and anxiety on the fact that I had to work for him. I needed this new job and hell if I was going to sit back and let him take it from me. So I told Mr. X that I was leaving the field and I had no immediate plans. Now I knew that he would eventually find me but I was hoping that enough time would have passed between jobs that my excuse would have believable. The other part of me just didn’t care whether he found me or not. I was out.

My new boss and I had a nice long discussion about my fears. She fully understands how Mr. X can be. My friend, who also works in my new firm, has told my new boss stories about Mr. X and how he can be so my new boss was aware. I think I surprised her with how afraid I am of Mr. X and she compared it to Mr. X being an abusive husband that I just got away from. In all aspect, she’s right. The relationship is exactly like that. My new boss has told me that my job is not in jeopardy, everyone loves me there and she is not going to allow Mr. X to bully me any more. She says if he raises a stink about it, she is fully prepared to defend me and she told me not to waste any more of my time worrying about him.

It’s finally nice to have that feeling of security you know? It’s nice to know that someone has my back.

Well, shit hit the fan yesterday. One lawyer in my old firm (Ms. S) is sitting as a DRO Judge on Monday at Court and she went up to Court yesterday afternoon to review the files. My new lawyer has a matter up for DRO on Monday. Ms. S saw an Affidavit of Service in my name so she figured out that I am working for this new firm. Of course, she told everyone at my old firm….or one person and the news spread like wildfire as gossip usually does.

This morning, Mr. X sends me a Facebook message (I have never added him to my list and my profile is locked down. I wasn’t even aware that you could send Private Messages without being a friend of the person first) and he basically chewed me out and told me that I was dishonest and that he wasn’t aware that “honesty was such a fleeting trait these days”.

I know I was dishonest when I gave him my resignation. I absolutely hated lying like I did. It’s not who I am. But I couldn’t be honest with him. I couldn’t be honest with him because I knew that he would sabotage me just like he did with Sarah years ago. When we had our talk when I gave my resignation, he said that I was his best employee. There’s no way he would have let me go without making my life difficult. I did more stuff for him at that firm that went above and beyond my job description that I’m sure he realizes how much he’s going to miss having a clerk who knows what they are doing. I don’t know. I know the sole purpose of his comment was to make me feel bad and he totally succeeded. He ruined my day and I hate that I have given him that power to do so. He’s such a toxic person and even now, after having most of the day to process it, I’m still upset. So much so that I’m in tears right now.

He’s just oblivious to the pain that he causes others. I’ve seen him in action over the years and he just doesn’t care. He thinks he’s justified in doing what he does. He treated me like crap last year and he thought nothing of it.

I love my new job. My co-workers are awesome and the other lawyers are terrific. I fit in there and I’ve had no trouble adjusting to my new job. For the first time in a long time, I actually look forward to going to work. I feel like I have a career again and not just some job that sucks all of my energy out of me. For the first time in YEARS, I’ve felt like the black cloud that hovered over me was gone. I’ve been having more good days than bad days with my depression. I’m a lot less anxious. I’ve been sleeping MUCH better than I have in over two years.

*sighs* I’m just really upset right now and I don’t know what to do. I’m sure this is just the start of it too. I’m sure he’s going to stomp his feet and make my new bosses life miserable. He’s Mr. X. He figures he can do anything. It’s ridiculous that I feel this way and it’s ridiculous that I’m scared of him.

I’ve since blocked Mr. X on Facebook. I’ve put all of my old co-workers on a restricted list on FB so they will not see anything that I don’t make public, which I make nothing public. I have to approve someone as a friend before they can see my profile.

I’m trying to think of the positive. I have a new job, which I love. I love my co-workers and things are good. I have to remember that he can’t hurt me any more. There’s nothing that he can do to me.

I hope……..

RIP Braydon Lee

My friend died today. He was 26.

Last year Braydon was diagnosed with Lymphoma. He underwent chemotherapy and other treatments and even was given a stem cell transplant in January. Last week, the doctors told him there was nothing more they could do for him.

He went to Israel to see this doctor who has been trying new treatments but Braydon passed away this morning after going into septic shock. His parents will be returning with Braydon’s body.

Rest in Peace Braydon. You fought a courageous battle and were taken too soon. You and your family are in my thoughts and you will be missed.

*Facepalm*

Ever have one of those days where you spend 45 minutes at the doctor’s office waiting to see the doctor, to be told you have (surprise!) strep throat, to be given a script, get about a 1/4 of the way home on the highway when said script goes flying out of the window (let’s not mention that I had moved the script to under my visor to keep it safe).

Yup. Totally happened to me. *facepalm*

I was really peeved for about 2.5 seconds before I started laughing. This is something that only could happen to me. I had to go back to the doctor’s office and ask her for a new script. Once she was finished laughing, she wrote me a new one and I’m hopefully on my way to recovery.

 

Weekend update and Sunday Blahs

I already have a Livejournal but I thought that I would set up an account here to use as well. I originally had an idea for this blog but I don’t know if it will pan out so instead, I’m going to just use this journal for a little bit of everything.

This weekend hasn’t been too exciting. On Sautrday, I slept in a bit and got up and took my time getting ready. My mom had gone to Wal-Mart earlier this morning to run some errands and she had picked up “Breaking Dawn” for me. After breakfast, I curled up with my library book as I needed to get read as it was due today. After it was finished, I headed down to the library to return it. I also went to the used book store as well as Chapters and I didn’t buy a thing. I’m proud of myself. It’s rare that I leave a book store without something in my hands.

I had a scare as I was coming home yesterday. I was on a road we call 2nd Concession and it was pretty snow covered and icy in spots. There was this vehicle going south (I was going north) and he was passing a snow plow on a road where you are not allowed to pass vehicles on. In order to avoid a head on collision, I had to move onto the shoulder of the road, as did the guy behind me. My back end started fishtailing and I lost control of my car. My car ended up doing a 180 turn into on-coming traffic. How I did not  hit a light post, another car or end up in a ditch, is beyond me. Had I hit the ditch, I would have definitely rolled my car.  I really do think I had someone watching out for me. I had to sit on the shoulder of the road for a bit. I was shaking so bad.

Today I slept in until almost noon. I had no desire to get up this morning. I had breakfast and then I tried to read on the couch but my mom (who knew I was trying to read) decided that she was going to watch the show “Smash” which she had PVRed. So I had to put aside what I was doing and go watch it. Then when we were halfway through the show the phone rang. My mom can never leave a ringing phone ringing. So she answered it and I had to wait for practically a half an hour while she talked to her friend on the phone. Once we were finished watching the show, I decided that I was going to go back to reading because basically, I wasn’t feeling up to being social and of course, mom moves to put on Season 3 of “Wildfire” so being as I haven’t seen the episodes and wanted to watch them, I was stuck watching them.

Today was just an off day in general. I’m feeling down. Depression is never fun to deal with. You have really good days and then you have days on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Having a family that doesn’t even know about my depression sucks. It’s a lonely battle when you don’t have the support of your family or even just their understanding. But I know that if I told my parents about it, they wouldn’t understand and they (mostly my mom) would tell me that “it’s all in my head” and to “just snap out of it”. My mom can be so judgemental that it it angers me.

I suppose that is it for now. I’m hoping that I can get to bed early tonight. Hopefully tomorrow brings better spirits.